Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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