I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
