I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
