That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Never underestimate the power of titties
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