She tied me up with her honor cords...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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