I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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