So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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