I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
ttyl tear gas
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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