John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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