I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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