people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
