One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
