last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
