the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
my poor anus
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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