hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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