She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
