true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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