My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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