she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
