I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
