The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
