i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
