I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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