You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
