pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
