I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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