I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
