GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
