True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
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I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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