there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
