he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
