i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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