Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
