remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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