I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
