My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
