i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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