This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
