Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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