Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
