I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
