she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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