Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Someone shit on the floor
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
