well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
