My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
