Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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