i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm too high and old for this...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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