don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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