i just google imaged poop.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
