I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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