Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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