I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
