My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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