she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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