Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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