I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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