Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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